Malingering’s World

This is what I don’t understand. When I was 14, I got white cotton panties in a pack of 6 from Target and that was the end of it. This was not an issue to be questioned. Maybe it’s because I don’t care much about my own appearance but I always thought if you were going to spend the extra money to buy satiny panties or thongs, someone else besides myself better be there to appreciate them (not my mother). Otherwise, there were much cooler things to buy with the limited money I had. So when I see these girls shopping, and the ONLY thing in their hands are Victoria’s Secret bags, I start to feel very old and confused. Is this their primary shopping spot because they are showing their panties off to others? Why are they walking proudly with their pink stripped bags in front of their voice-crackling zitty male classmates rather than feigning embarrassment at boys seeing their panties? Or are bras and panties really what’s on the minds of 14 year old girls these days? And if so, why? Does that Victoria’s Secret PINK asswriting line have the power of hypnosis? Perhaps every time we see PINK that isn’t pink, we are actually being brainwashed. I think that’s the most reasonable hypothesis. They need to be stopped.

Can someone please tell swimsuit manufacturers that people are getting larger and they should (literally) follow suit?

Generally, when I used to see people wearing all of their clothes at once I would think, “hmm, they must be homeless, it must suck that there’s nowhere to store their clothes.” But now I see them and I think, “Goddamn, Forever 21 is making a ridiculous fortune off of convincing people that they have to wear 6 outfits at the same time.” That adds up to over 50 articles of clothing per week, which can amount to a pretty profit. If only I could think of something using the same logic. Like convincing people they need to drive huge SUVs that require 4 times more gas than their old cars. Or making people believe they need TVs that are 8 times larger and more crystal clear than the last. Or suggesting that people can order a “value meal” with 3 times more calories than before. I mean, I could be rich with these ideas! Damn. I’m too late, aren’t I?

at least we know we’ve got a handle on evolution. now that we’re taking out old body parts and putting in new ones, our genetic code is practically meaningless. take that darwin. no more “survival of the fittest” crap. we will overcome nature and its petty forces.

Um. Does she seriously have a still shot of the phantom of the opera covering her entire back?

So every time this person walked up the stairs, you would hear a round of applause break out in the row where she came from, and it would grow in force as she made her way up the stairs until the whole section was united in an ovation to the titties. We began the TITTIE! cheer thanks to the keen eye of y_roc30 we had the entire section of loge 162 shouting TITTIE! every time she walked by. The 3rd or 4th time we mixed it up and tried a “take it off!” chant which was followed by TITTIE! and then a loud round of applause by the crowd. Her boyfriend (who apparently was the one sending her back and forth to get beer since he didn’t get up once) didn’t seem to mind one bit. We figure he’s making the most of his investment. Anyway, check out the guys behind her. This was her FIRST trip up the stairs so she only gathered a tidal wave of attention as the game went on. Near the end of the game, a Giants fan and a Dodger fan united in the TITTIE chant which was like a glorious coming together of two lifelong enemies. Moral: titties bring peace.

I don’t like to pick on my fellow Dodger fans, but the day that Ugg boots belong in Dodger Stadium is the day that the Dodgers don’t fall apart in September.