Malingering’s World

Last weekend I attended the AVP Crocs Manhattan Beach Open. I’m not particularly sure why, I could say that I wanted to practice my sports photography skills (and I did) or I just needed to explore a different area (very true) or an excuse for laying on the beach all day seemed appealing (thanks for the sunburn), but I think the true reason is that last year I attended the Hermosa Beach AVP tournament and the crowd was amazing. While I could stretch those photos into 8 weeks worth of posts, I have made a commitment to move forward and will therefore focus solely on Manhattan Beach last weekend.

One thing I am always struck by is the homogeneity of the South Bay. I feel like I am walking around with a huge red arrow above my head which blinks, “NOT OF THE SOUTH BAY” and everyone glares at the intruder with the camera and rolls their eyes at my lack of ability to conform. It can be rather overwhelming, so I tried to break it down into five essential elements.

First off, it is required that you have at least one tattoo to show how original, edgy and creative you are. For men, the bare minimum is the tribal themed arm-band, which is basically the cost of admission when living south of the 105. After three years or after a large donation of an undisclosed amount, one can be promoted to an official South Bay Guy and get the mid-scapular tattoo of an unidentifiable design.

This man is probably a super-artistic renaissance man who designed his own tattoo using the initials of his mother or his pet dog or something. Ladies, don’t let this pass you by:

Now this brings up a number of questions. Are we talking about the band Stay Gold Pony Boy? Is he just a big S.E. Hinton fan and really relates to bad acid trips and being 16 and stupid? Is this an ode to Ralph Macchio and the other Outsiders? Really just likes The Get Up Kids? Starting to wish I would have asked.

Guy on the left is still in the application process of South Bay acceptance. Guy on the right is a junior member, evidenced by the leather arm band and peeking asscrack.

There may have been a mistake, as I think this was supposed to go either around his bicep or on his girlfriend’s waist, and instead it ended up on his mid-back where he’s supposed to have something big and bold and masculine. He’s not going to get laid for weeks.

This is a unisex South Bay requirement; the female requirement can be fulfilled with a butterfly flittering above the asscrack or a tribal type design wrapped around the ankle. Because trying to document the ubiquitous is a futile and thankless job, I will give one example and move on:

The hippies try to fit in but it doesn’t always work, mostly because there was no hippie fraternity in college so they don’t understand the mentality.

Another requirement which immediately eliminates me from life in the South Bay is the need for perfectly round, symmetrical perky boobs. If you weren’t born with them, they are easily acquired, and women aren’t offended if you ask them where they got them done. I witnessed this firsthand (my jaw dropped) when someone approached a woman and asked her where they were done and how much. She answered as if someone were asking her directions to the pier.

A large portion of the South Bay crowd is very young, so the perkiness can be achieved easily with proper wardrobe modifications and a bit of a lift and squish.

For the older crowd it is somewhat more difficult, but as we see here, even the saggiest of women can own a pair of smooth and perky titties. You just have to remain dedicated to the cause, persevere through the aging process, and give 110% (thanks post-game show) and you too can have a peppy pair.

Besides the enhanced anatomy, to live in the South Bay you must be blond or show evidence that you are trying to go in that direction. My theory is that since blonding is what happens naturally after spending enough time at the beach, sheer blondeness gives the air that you are beautiful enough to not have a full time job and can lie around in the sand and get your tresses bleached out by the mix of sea water and sunshine.

It appears the blonder the better, so just layer peroxide upon hair dye upon Sun In until the hair breaks off. I once met someone who did this, and her hair started breaking off so she dyed it brown, thinking that would make it stronger and not break. I’m not kidding.

Waxing places and aestheticians do very well in our South Bay neighborhoods, as a well groomed crotch is a necessity to survive down here. It is still yet to be determined if the pubic areas are well groomed because everyone is having sex, or if everyone is having sex because they are so smooth in their nether regions, but chicken-egg does it really matter? These people hump like 18 year olds after a kegger.

What I don’t understand is the lack of stubble, razor rash or itching. Anyone who has experimented with pubic depilation knows of the untoward side effects of aspiring to have a Barbie-smooth crotch. My hypothesis is that there is something in the South Bay water which is soothing to hair follicles and allows for this X-treme grooming. Chemical analysis currently in progress.

The super-smooth area below the equator can be further showcased with accessories such as navel rings or belly chains. Since these are not (yet) acceptable for men, the male option is to balance the waistline of board shorts right above the genitalia. This is a highly risky and daunting task, a chilly wind or other cause of shrinkage could result in shorts falling straight to the sidewalk. Fortunately the women walk around 94% nude, so South Bay guys are in a constant state of arousal and the perpetual stimulation counteracts potential chilly sea breezes. Symbiosis, some would say.

The fifth and last element to survival is a perfected physique (this is the most potentially attainable standard for myself given my newfound exercise program, though given my lack of dedication to the above four components, it seems rather pointless). Along with appearing like you never work, for true survival in the South Bay you must also appear to spend at least three hours per day at the gym, but can never actually be seen physically exerting oneself unless it is rollerblading on the Strand or doing a keg stand. Theoretically the rate of eating disorders should be relatively high in this particular demographic, but it is unclear whether or not binge drinking and then involuntary purging actually counts for the criteria of bulemia nervosa.

My guess is that soon clothing will be optional from Redondo to Hermosa. Honestly things wouldn’t be much different than they are now, since we’re already faced with the bare shaven mons pubis and flaunting asscrack, there is very little left. Full frontal nudity shouldn’t come as much of a shock to anyone. And since I will never meet criteria to live in the South Bay, I won’t have to deal with any sort of moral or ethical dilemmas which may arise from this proposition.

And this, my friends, is the answer to the question “why do you commute 25 miles each way to work?” You need not ask again.

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