Malingering’s World

**even if you don’t feel like reading this, please click on the “soy makes you gay” link as it is priceless**

A few months back I decided that I was going to try to be a healthier person and be more conscious about what I eat and drink so that I could dress like a skank and not have a muffin top. I tried the Zone diet and 4 weeks in I was having stomach cramps, gas that could kill small children, and truly offensive bowel movements. Of course making a commitment and passing up Dodger Dogs for a month was a big sacrifice, so I desperately tried to figure out what went wrong. Unfortunately this endeavor sent me into a very sticky spider web of information and I’m beginning to think that being “healthy” will involve living in a bubble.

We’ll start with what I read about the Zone:

I spent hours (days) on PubMed. Fortunately I’ve managed to sneak onto a proxy server so I have access to online medical journals. I’m beginning to wish they’d caught me so that I wouldn’t be overwhelmed with conflicting information. Low carb diets work, but apparently not for the insulin regulation reasons that people initially thought, and they can sensitize people so they produce more insulin in relation to the sugars they eat. Some studies show low carb diets to be more effective than high carb diets, and some show the opposite. One study suggests cognitive slowing with low carb diets. One shows an increase in C-reactive protein with low carb diets. One shows a decrease in inflammation with low carb diets. One showed that carb consumption is directly correlated to the expression of a fatty acid desaturase. One study shows that in a comparison of diets over 1 year, the Zone diet fared less favorably in terms of weight loss than the high carb diet. One showed that low carb diets don’t provide sufficient energy for endurance athletes. One showed that a high carb diet was beneficial in people with insulin resistance. Another showed that increasing whole grains (hard to do on a low carb diet) decreases metabolic syndrome by 32% and cardiovascular disease by 25%. A big 12-year study in Sweden showed low carb diets increased mortality by 6%. Then a study in the US showed there was no difference. A 10-year study in Greece backed up the Sweden study and showed a 22% increase in cardiovascular mortality.

At this point I’ve decided that the low-carb/no-carb issue is just too damn confusing, so I think to myself “okay, I’ll eat a good balance of things that are good for me.” But then come to find out, there is no food considered safe anymore.

For years people have been talking up soy, which is fine with me because I already have a lot of trouble with dairy which basically attacks my bowels from the inside and turns me inside out. I switched over to soy milk, soy yogurt, etc and things seemed better. Then I start hearing about how an innocent block of tofu is as evil as the fattiest of McDonalds quarter pounders and (cue ominous music) DANGEROUS. And let’s not forget how soy makes our children small dicked and GAY. This would explain the whole thing about Asian (oh excuse me, Orientals according to him) men having small penises, right?

Sigh. Let’s say I am impressionable and want to be safe rather than sorry, so I listen to everything. Okay, cut out soy. Beef is out, obviously, because it causes cancer and is full of hormones and the cholesterol will give you a heart attack and you might get mad cow disease and end up wandering 3rd Street Promenade looking for the meaning of life. Poultry used to seem okay but then we realized we could get the avian flu and the birds are pumped full of hormones and antibiotics and there was that melamine thing and all of this of course is bad for us because everything is dangerous. No more beef or poultry. Seafood is out because of high levels of mercury and if I listen to all of the anti-mercury folk out there, I become really freaked out. Eggs are potentially packed with salmonella, pesticides and mercury. At this point I’m out of protein sources. Moving on.

Fruits and vegetables are full of pesticides and apparently even if you buy oragnic, some people find equivalent amounts of pesticides and even if they’re pesticide free, produce carries harmful bacteria which can make you very sick and puke like a freshman college student on orientation week. I have experience both of these firsthand and they’re pretty comparable. You can’t eat tomatoes. You don’t know where your food has been. Fuck, you can’t even eat pirate’s booty anymore. Lesson learned here: fruits and vegetables are merely sphere-like vectors that transmit evil chemicals into our bodies.

Cereal and bread seems benign enough but they contain the EVIL GLUTEN which has been attributed to a number of health problems from GI troubles to inflammatory diseases to fatigue. Get the autism mercury people over here and they’ll tell you even more. So that’s pretty much out as well if I want to prevent these illnesses, which I do.

Then I thought about receiving a very well purified form of TPN (total parenteral nutrition) via IV or feeding tube, but then I found out that the IV bags, tubing and other lines are made of plastics which are also toxic and absorbed into the system and can cause reproductive problems, as well as lung, kidney and liver problems. That led me to this study on toxins found in the bodies of 10 people who live healthy lifestyles. The study found that people are basically walking nuclear waste dumps and full of unhealthy and dangerous toxins and we should all be grateful that we haven’t sprouted an extra head at this point.

I tried to look through the government website to try to find something to feed my 2 heads but I got lost. So now I am hungry, toxic, tired, confused, and desperate. I am also about 30 seconds from saying “fuck it all” and diving headfirst into a radioactive brownie sundae drenched in raw egg yolks and drizzled in cow fat. We’ll see how it goes.

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