today’s question: why are you wearing those shorts?
There are a lot of things that baffle my mind: ass implants, dog strollers, oversized SUVs, stuff that no matter how hard I think about them I still can’t rationalize their existence. Today’s mind boggling situation revolves around shorts. As in “why the fuck would you put those on?”
My guess is that if I asked this woman, she would say it’s her “beach cover-up.” While I understand the “up” it certainly isn’t covering anything and she would probably be able to conceal more with some pastel colored saran wrap (you know, the kind that only comes out in the spring so you can make cute little easter baskets out of it). These shorts are just plain awful. She’s like a walking advertisement for ING Direct.
At least now we know what happened to the Hamburglar after 20 years of eating Big Macs.
Mom wasn’t lying about that whole horizontal stripes thing. It’s true.
Then we move on to the most mind boggling thing of all, the super constrictor gut squeezing denim which is guaranteed to leave an imprint of your drivers license on your ass should you put your wallet in your pocket.
For those of you with penises between you legs, you may not be able to comprehend the amount of chaffing going on right here. Tight denim seams and a few folds of skin do not create a smooth rubbing sensation while walking. It tightens even more when sitting down. They may as well rename that brand “Yeast Jeans” or something.
Camel toe is uncomfortable enough but denim camel toe is downright painful. Where is the motivation here? I can think of 3 reasons to dress this way:
1) To try to look sexy
2) To try to look smaller
3) To piss me off
Unfortunately only #3 is working, and trying to shove gut into a tight pair of shorts is like trying to make the Pillsbury doughboy squeeze through a funnel. The shit’s gotta go somewhere, and that somewhere is up and out.
I will gladly accept comments of people who wear these shorts so that they can not only explain why they torture themselves this way but also to make sure their girl parts haven’t been sanded down to Barbie-smooth. Please write in.
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I really don’t get it either. Wearing clothing that is too small makes anyone look worse. Even thin people can look horrid by trying to wear them. I’ve seen people who would look great if they wore clothes that fit them manage to create waist spare-tires from over-constricting jeans.
As far as I can work out, denial about one’s true size plays a big part, as does, in some cases, unavailability of fashionable items in larger sizes. We’ve all seen the people who keep buying the same size of jeans that fit them when they were 18 and skinny …
As for the horizontal stripes, the least we could expect is that clothing manufacturers/sellers for larger sizes not carry such ugly things. But go and look in Lane Bryant or another large-size clothing store - horizontal stripes everywhere. They should do their customers a favor and sell clothes that flatter them, not make them look worse.
(and FWIW, I’m fat. But I try and wear clothes built to fit me.)
Matthew Brown - September 26th, 2007 at 2:35 pm
I’m so glad to be in Northern Canada where everyone hides underneath parkas and sweatpants. I’m just perplexed as to how someone tries on shorts like that and decides, “these look FANTASTIC! I must buy them!”. I have the opposite problem, I’m not used to buying small clothes so I keep picking them too big and end up looking like a hobo…Thank goodness you’re in California and can’t catch me in my hobo gear.
I just can’t see the logic of, “I don’t want to wear pants, I’ll just wear my swimsuit instead!” HA -Yeast Jeans!
Jen - September 26th, 2007 at 3:48 pm
I wear shorts like this for the art performance of it all. I view my fat folds as a skin topiary.
tequilaanddonuts - September 26th, 2007 at 7:07 pm
Your pictures make me want to laugh and cry at the same time. What I always wonder is: at what point do these people check themselves out in the mirror and say, “Damn! I’m looking GOOOOOOD in these pants!” or do they say, “These shorts make me look DEAD SEXY?”
The answer is clearly that these people must not own mirrors. But I guess that is OK because I have enough shame and embarrassment for all of them.
I think, in retaliation to the tight-skimpy clothed masses, I will start wearing extremely loose clothing…and a lot of it. Maybe then the world seem more in balance.
Funny how my plan just happens to coincide with winter….
michelle - September 27th, 2007 at 11:39 am