Malingering’s World

Okay, I admit to being a bitchy drunk, and I have a history of being belligerent, confrontational, and stupid when I’ve been drinking in bars. Now I rarely drink, and last night was my birthday and it’s the first time I’d been really drunk in about a year…

With that being said, let me tell you a story.

This guy comes up to me at the bar and starts telling me how he is a personal trainer and can hook me up with some good training. Well I had just had quite a day at the gym, including doing 30 consecutive pull-ups for my 30th birthday so of course I pulled up my sleeve, flexed the guns and said “oh I’ve got a gym already.” He just sort of looked.

Then I pointed to my friend and said “she worked out with me this morning, I think she did about 500 squats today.” He said, “that’s impossible.”

Okay, don’t challenge a drunk girl flexing her biceps on her 30th birthday because you have no clue what she’s capable of. So then I said “we can do 100 squats in 2 minutes, no problem. Want to see?” He said yes, of course.

Well I didn’t force my friend to join me, so I started doing bodyweight speed squats right there. This guy is such a moron (and has such low standards for dancing partner), that he stands behind me and starts freaking me. I stopped immediately and asked him what the fuck he was doing and told him that since he could not behave, we would have a push-up contest instead.

Before I could get to the ground, he asked me if I could do one legged-squats (my gym calls them pistols). Of course I can, impotent man. So then I start doing them, one leg extended in front of me, in fishnet tights and heels. He seems unimpressed, which I can’t handle.

So I flop down and start doing push-ups in the bar, with my newly manicured toes trapped in fishnets barren on the dirty bar floor and my hands all sticky from the sugar coated rim of my 4th lemon drop martini glass. I did about 10 when I realized he was not participating in the challenge. I get a little pissed and I stand up and I start bitching that he isn’t doing his share. He told me I should just be quiet and dance with him. Some of the other guys around were pointing out that he was being a lame, limp dickweed and shouldn’t let a girl talk shit like that. Then my sister told him he should just turn around and walk away because he has NO chance with us.

Later I see him at the bar, talking to a group of women. I hear him say, “I can get you toned without building a lot of muscle!” and “I’m a manager at twenty…. five hour fitness.”

Um, twenty-FIVE hour fitness? I started calling him twenty-five millimeter penis.

He tried to dance with us about 4 more times, and got turned down every time. After we left the bar, we were standing outside getting a cab and he drives by in his over-compensated SUV with tinted windows and shouts “why don’t you lift some weights, BITCH?”

Well, that’s a good attitude. I’m sure you’ll get laid tomorrow if you just keep it up. Maybe you should try meeting people at Curves.

yesterday’s workout:
30 consecutive pull-ups (my birthday goal)
five 2 minute sessions of squats/push-ups/burpees
10 push-ups on the floor of the bar
6 one-legged squats in heels and fishnets
repeated one armed curls of martini glass to mouth

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