Malingering’s World

There is something incredibly disturbing about seeing drunk 16 year olds in public on a Wednesday night, tripping over each other and giggling in drunken stupor only to return to their new cars that mommy and daddy bought them for their sweet sixteen so that they can drive home with reckless abandon to try to sneak in the back door before their parents realize that they were out past their curfew. I simply can’t imagine going to 10th grade chemistry totally hungover and reeking of whiskey, but I was a bit of a nerd.

Last month I went to Knott’s Halloween Haunt for the first time in 14 years. I won’t lie, I had the time of my life - but I was in good company. The whole teenage scene wqas extremely disturbing.

Most appalling was buttcrack girl and her 16 year old buddies who were smuggling bottles of SoCo in their pants and taking large gulps of hard liquor while in line for the rides. One of them tried to pee in the waterfall in line for the Calico Mine Ride. Another one fell on top of my boyfriend about 3 times, giggling and emitting eau du underagewhiskeydrinking.

You know there’s a problem when I can see your asscrack while you’re standing up. The visible coin slot while sitting is becoming commonplace, but without any movement whatsoever? Baseline ass cleavage? THAT is problematic. We stood next to her in like for 40 minutes and it looked like this the entire time, which makes me think it’s on purpose.

This guy tried to stick a chainsaw in my ass. Hello? I don’t even know his name and he’s already jumping in with the sex toys?

Okay, I KNOW your mom didn’t let you out of the house like that, so you sure as hell better remember to button up your shirt before she comes to pick you up in the parking lot tonight and act like you weren’t showing your titties to the whole world all night… ON A SCHOOL NIGHT.

Oh come on now. Really?

Once I can see 3 hook-and-eyes, you’ve crossed the line of acceptable undergarment visibility and entered into extreme tackiness.

It doesn’t look that bad until you see her face and realize she’s barely 16.

The sign said no costumes. So is this her regular wardrobe?

(I know it’s blurry. I spared you the details.)

I can’t wait to go back next year.

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