Malingering’s World

Here’s my photos from Opening Day. My lens is still busted, this is the best I could do.

I’ve been on a March Madness bar tour, so for today’s game I headed down to a rather cool bar with lots of nice flat screen TVs. While I was there, I met a very handsome man who was seemingly kind and nice and who acted very interested in me. He made me laugh rather hard and had some good jokes, so after a few hours and several beers, we were kissing on the patio (which I admit was rather nice). Next thing I know, he starts getting text messages that say things like “I hate it when you do this to me” and “I haven’t heard from you in hours, what’s going on” and “I don’t like feeling this way ” Um. Great. Now I wasn’t looking for a soulmate here, but I was feeling bad for the woman on the other end of the phone as she sounded very distressed (and I’ve been in her position many a time), so I start pressing the guy about who the hell is that? After much avoidance he says it’s his long distance girlfriend, but it’s okay because she’s not even in the same state. Apparently this is a rule that men know about but women do not, as I just got out of a long distance relationship where the man I was with also seemed to abide by a similar rule (though we were in the same state so the boundaries may have been redefined in this case, maybe there’s some sort of 250 mile rule or something). At this point I’m feeling disgusted and decide I’m going to sip my beer, watch the end of the Laker game, and go home.

But of course, it gets better. I’m sitting in a booth, broken foot propped up on a chair, and he goes to the bathroom (probably to go make out with some other random chick) and this very pretty girl comes and sits next to me. I have no idea what’s going on, but next thing I know, she introduces herself as his EX-GIRLFRIEND. Then she proceeds to say “no, he’s a good guy, I’m not a bitch, seriously I’m not.” What am I supposed to say to this besides “that’s nice and I don’t give a fuck?” Then she tells me that she used to be a model and she thinks I should be a fitness model because I have a nice physique. Huh? Her friends see what she’s doing and tell her to leave me alone so she gets up, and this other girl in excessive makeup and false eyelashes and a lip piercing comes and sits next to me and tells me that she knows the guy I’m “with” and that he’s married and has a child at home and he comes to bars to have one night stands with women and cheat on his wife and I should stay away because he’s disgusting. Now while she’s sitting next to me, the “ex girlfriend” goes over to the guy I’m “with” who is about 10 feet away and STICKS HER HANDS DOWN HIS PANTS and starts kissing his neck. At this point I decide that while I could stay a few minutes longer as it was likely that something even stranger could occur, it was probably in my best interest to get out of there before some sort of ex-girlfriend fight broke out or some shit, so I left.

Seriously, people are so fucked up. I’m just having a drink watching Davidson play Memphis and next thing you know I’m in the middle of a goddamn Young and the Restless episode. Remind me just to watch the rest of the tourney from my couch. Blech.

While everyone else did the Jackie (which I haven’t done since October and wanted to redo because I felt I could do better than the 12:24 I posted last time), I did this:

21-18-15-12-9
GHD back extensions
GHD sit ups
seated shoulder press 37#
pull-ups

20:08

Let me tell you, getting the boot in and out of the GHD was interesting. I started getting the hang of it at the end, at which point I was too tired to do anything. Still trying to figure out how to optimize my kip with the boot on. Today I tried some of that kicking shit that I see Annie of CFHQ do on the videos, which was interesting. It worked, though I’m not sure if it was harder or easier or better or worse. I guess I have time to figure it out.

21-15-9
Dumbbell bench press 30#db
Weighted sit-ups 15#db (one foot anchored)
Push-Ups (toes)
Pull-Ups
Shoulder Press 20#db

23:08

I pushed till I could push no more. I warmed up with 40 pull-ups and 45 push-ups and then what do you know, add another 45 to each of those. Bench pressing 60# worth of dumbbells was brutal. But I wanted to do that weight because I’m hoping to do the Lynne sometime soon which would mean bench pressing 50% of my bodyweight which is 55# so I figured this would be good practice. I did the last rep of shoulder press about 4 times. I could not, for the life of me, get those things over my head. Geez.

It was a sad, sad day when visible asscrack became the norm around here. I am waiting for things to turn around, for life to return to normal, for things to be safe again. I am not happy with the world right now, and its general acceptance for public asscrack.

Maybe I’m a prude, maybe not. I don’t think I’m a prude, but I do think things there are better left between you and the person who licks your genitals, and one of those is the presentation of your crack. The crack is a sensitive and personal place that doesn’t belong exposed to passersby. It should remain hidden, mysterious, and covered.

Besides, along with buttcrack comes butthair. I can tell you for a fact that butthair is not sexy. Butthair contains two things: buttsweat and dingleberries. Both of those are disgusting. Period.

As winter turns to spring and the weather warms up, I implore you. Please. KEEP YOUR BUTTCRACK UNDER YOUR CLOTHES. Do you want buttcrack skin cancer? Do you love your crack enough to protect it from harmful UV rays? How important is your crack to you? Really? Think about it.

Okay, that is all. Carry on.

Spring is here in Los Angeles. The boobs are in bloom.

The asses are free to roam.

The men are with child.

The hookers are in their bikinis.

The belly flab basks in the glorious sun.

Flowers begin to blossom.

And the butterflies flutter about.

I supposed I could write about how much I love it, but why? The photos say enough.

My cousin works in the health profession and was talking to a patient who was talking about American Girl Dolls. My cousin (who feels similarly to myself about the phenomenon) said “did you know there’s an American Girl Doll store at the Grove?” and the patient said “Yes! And one time, I was at the store and there was this GIRL there with a TROLL doll and she was standing in line for the CAFE. She wasn’t in line for the cafe, but she made the TROLL wait in line. We wanted to say something, or at least tell the staff, but we were so embarrassed for her, we felt so bad for her.”

Needless to say, that troll carrying blaspheme was me. My cousin had to leave the room because she was laughing so hard. She said she almost cried.

My stomach is sore from giggling.

I want to see what sort of attention I get. If any.

Like right now.