Malingering’s World

I’ve been on a March Madness bar tour, so for today’s game I headed down to a rather cool bar with lots of nice flat screen TVs. While I was there, I met a very handsome man who was seemingly kind and nice and who acted very interested in me. He made me laugh rather hard and had some good jokes, so after a few hours and several beers, we were kissing on the patio (which I admit was rather nice). Next thing I know, he starts getting text messages that say things like “I hate it when you do this to me” and “I haven’t heard from you in hours, what’s going on” and “I don’t like feeling this way ” Um. Great. Now I wasn’t looking for a soulmate here, but I was feeling bad for the woman on the other end of the phone as she sounded very distressed (and I’ve been in her position many a time), so I start pressing the guy about who the hell is that? After much avoidance he says it’s his long distance girlfriend, but it’s okay because she’s not even in the same state. Apparently this is a rule that men know about but women do not, as I just got out of a long distance relationship where the man I was with also seemed to abide by a similar rule (though we were in the same state so the boundaries may have been redefined in this case, maybe there’s some sort of 250 mile rule or something). At this point I’m feeling disgusted and decide I’m going to sip my beer, watch the end of the Laker game, and go home.

But of course, it gets better. I’m sitting in a booth, broken foot propped up on a chair, and he goes to the bathroom (probably to go make out with some other random chick) and this very pretty girl comes and sits next to me. I have no idea what’s going on, but next thing I know, she introduces herself as his EX-GIRLFRIEND. Then she proceeds to say “no, he’s a good guy, I’m not a bitch, seriously I’m not.” What am I supposed to say to this besides “that’s nice and I don’t give a fuck?” Then she tells me that she used to be a model and she thinks I should be a fitness model because I have a nice physique. Huh? Her friends see what she’s doing and tell her to leave me alone so she gets up, and this other girl in excessive makeup and false eyelashes and a lip piercing comes and sits next to me and tells me that she knows the guy I’m “with” and that he’s married and has a child at home and he comes to bars to have one night stands with women and cheat on his wife and I should stay away because he’s disgusting. Now while she’s sitting next to me, the “ex girlfriend” goes over to the guy I’m “with” who is about 10 feet away and STICKS HER HANDS DOWN HIS PANTS and starts kissing his neck. At this point I decide that while I could stay a few minutes longer as it was likely that something even stranger could occur, it was probably in my best interest to get out of there before some sort of ex-girlfriend fight broke out or some shit, so I left.

Seriously, people are so fucked up. I’m just having a drink watching Davidson play Memphis and next thing you know I’m in the middle of a goddamn Young and the Restless episode. Remind me just to watch the rest of the tourney from my couch. Blech.

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