do people not date anymore?
There is a serious lack of foreplay in Los Angeles. Lou Paget spoke at a seminar I attended last week and said that Los Angeles is a very hard place to find a life partner. She said she’s talked to numerous women in their young 30s who are so sick of trying to find a partner that they’re just about ready to sleep with the first thing that crosses their path, which in turn reinforces the male ideal of instant gratification without work or effort and pretty soon it’s a vicious cycle of random meanlingless sex that sees no end.
While I have nothing against random meanless sex, I was thinking about this when I went out on Saturday afternoon to watch the Final Four. I realized that in less than 2 weeks of March Madness, I’d been propositioned by 3 (very attractive) men who made it blatantly clear to me that they wanted sex, nothing more, and they weren’t in the least afraid to say it. They were proud to be sluts, happy to say they stick their dick in lots of chicks without knowing their name, and went on bragging about their man-prowess and their virility. For some reason, hearing about the guy in front of me indiscriminately banging whatever hot pussy happens to slide through the bar doesn’t exactly turn me on. In fact, I start to get sort of itchy and uncomfortable, like when people start talking about lice or scabies and then I start to wonder how much the dude spends on Valtrex each month and if it hurts when he pees.
Now I’ve been off the dating scene for several years and I’m trying to adjust to all of the new advances in technology that have altered the dating game over the past few years. I need some assistance in establishing the hierarchy here. Is a text message more serious than an e-mail? Does an e-mail show a higher level of commitment than a myspace message? If you have to wait one day to return a phone call, how many hours must you wait before answering a Facebook message? If you post a comment on someone’s blog, does that count as contact and then you are forbidden from sending a text until that person responds? For fuck’s sake can someone write a book on this and explain it to me? And can that person be a man so I can hear about all of the moronic and ridiculous nonsense that they consider to be logic and then try to understand it?
Regardless of the impossible game (which I refuse to play, so if you text message me I’m going to write back when I get it, which does not mean I am desperate or throwing myself at you, it means I think your game is fucking lame, and I’m hatin’ the game AND the playa), the harder lesson has been learning that people don’t date anymore. They just want booty, and they aren’t willing to play that game (the “I’m going to pretend to be interested and charm you so I can get into your pants” game) to try to get it. They just want to get in and get out. This is my concern: Any guy who is willing to skip the “let me buy you dinner before I try to bed you” routine is probably going to skip the “let me kiss you and lick you all over before I flip you over to do you doggy style and start ramming you like a porn star in heat” routine as well. Not down with that.
Foreplay is important, in every sense. We all need a little intrigue and mystery in our lives; no one wants to know the ending of the movie before they found out how they got there. It’s the same damn thing with dating. For fuck’s sake, make it interesting!
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I’ve been off the dating scene for some time (and I’m hoping it stays that way), so I’m afraid I can’t give you specific current experience from a guy’s perspective. However, in a more general sense, my suggestion would be to not worry about rules or games about contact, etc. Do it your way, and if they have an issue because you contacted them too soon or didn’t follow some unwritten rule, then they’re probably not worth your attention anyway.
grid - April 7th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
As a guy currently in the dating scene, I would also like this book. I really hate the fact that most interactions are just about getting laid, and not about trying to start a longer-term relationship. *sigh*
Nate - April 7th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Wow, great post! Aren’t most women attracted to jerks, hence the increase in male jerkness? I used to be a nice guy myself, until I realized being nice got me nowhere.
Lensilog - April 7th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
I completely agree with you, M, and wish you luck.
Elsh - April 7th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
People don’t date because there’s too much risk in a date. They “hang out” or some shit like that. Even if on an official date both parties know there’s no reality of it going anywhere because isn’t finding the “one” supposed to just magically happen when you’re not even looking?
Whatever.
Dating LA - April 7th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Make awkward advances to women:
http://www.duncancumming.co.uk/photos/makeawkward.jpg
][ - April 8th, 2008 at 8:24 am
A good first step for you would be to not make out at the bar with a guy you just met.
Erik - April 8th, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Amen, Mal.
joyz - April 8th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
And can that person be a man so I can hear about all of the moronic and ridiculous nonsense that they consider to be logic and then try to understand it?
Actually men are really easy to understand. We like basically four things,
Food,
Fucking,
Sleep,
Watching television
That’s pretty much it. It is women who make life complicated. Look at your post, you want dinner, conversation, and other stuff before you get to the thing the guy wants (see the second item on the list). The first and foremost thought on a guys mind is getting laid, nothing hard to understand there. Keep the above list in mind and you’ll be able to understand men pretty well.
Men are only confusing because you are a woman and don’t know how men think.
Aahz - April 9th, 2008 at 11:19 am
Is it possible for you to be any more awesomer? Great writing and great subject!
The Aitch - April 9th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
It’s weird, Aahz, but I’ve actually met men who were sincerely interested in unnatural stuff, like having a family. What is up with that.
Meo Whous - April 11th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Not really. But they do meet after several IM’s and emails that could only be herniated (SO not the right word, but fitting) by the common day Dating Websites. I spent longer getting over my ex then I did actually dating him, only in part to the dubious break-up and revelations thereafter….
But this cheered me up a bit:
http://thisfish.ivillage.com/love/archives/2008/03/breaking-entering-and-collatin.html
Vera - April 11th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
The guys working extra time in lab for their advanced science class (referred to nicely or not as “geeks” ), knowing if ever asked would treat a woman like a queen, roll their eyes and giggle at the beautiful elite’s courting standards
Interesting view there on dating and foreplay, something I’da never thought of and makes sense…Well I’ll heading to the Friday night spot now, to apply jerk mode and go with what works until changes for the better come along…
Ranger Dale - April 11th, 2008 at 9:53 pm
How about marriage…? Anyone? Anyone care at all? Raising a family, complete with father, mother, and kids? Growing old with someone you love? Anyone care at all?
It’s a sad state we’re in.
Patrick D. - April 12th, 2008 at 8:09 pm
it is indeed a sad state.
it seems nearly impossible to find someone, much less find someone and have the “timing” right. what happened to people just falling for each other and figuring out the details? rolling with the punches? sticking with it for the long-haul?
there are so many rules regarding who’s at what level of their career, how many proverbial oats one should sow before “settling down,” who makes more money…not to mention half the people i know have moved at least 500 miles away for jobs in the past two years, usually leaving their significant other behind because that person has his or her own career and can’t up and move right then.
the current state of our world doesn’t make it easy or foster a lot of hope.
huro! - April 13th, 2008 at 12:17 am
Actually, the list still applies even after marriage, I didn’t say some men don’t want to get married, just that the four items on the list are what men think about. And even after the marriage and kid stuff do you know why the husband wants to solve the problems the wife brings up? To get her to shut up, especially when watching television or sleeping. Talking during sex is okay so long as it is dirty talk.
For men it is generally a pretty crappy deal.
Aahz - April 22nd, 2008 at 10:26 am