Malingering’s World

Yes, I have found all of these things in the apartments of guys I’ve dated over the years. Usually on the first or second date, though there were a few that I found months into the relationship, which was even more disturbing.

Your herpes medication in the medicine cabinet (okay, maybe I’m glad I found that in time)

A box of tampons under your sink (and you live alone and have no sisters)

The photo of you and your ex-girlfriend on the fridge with the “well, we’re still friends” explanation following shortly thereafter

A women’s gold necklace and ring on the nightstand (“Oh, that belongs to a friend.” Yes, clearly. A lady friend. Who was in your bed. Recently. Do I look stupid?)

Some random black thong which you claim was stuck in your laundry from the laundromat (why not a tube sock? Why a thong?)

Long girl hairs on your bathroom counter/floor and worse, your pillow

Used condoms (tied neatly at the top to save those precious juices inside) shoved under the bed (get a fucking trash can, moron, that was so gross I wanted to throw up)

Old crusty kleenex hardened and wadded up in your bed (seriously, dudes. It’s called a TRASH CAN.)

A fluorescent pink dildo in your medicine cabinet (he said “it was here when I moved in!” Um, either own up to it or throw it out. I have nothing against you being a little kinky, but pretending it’s not yours is weird.)

A framed photo of you, your girlfriend and your dog (I mean, if you’re going to cheat, take that shit down off the wall for a few hours, creep)

A note on your kitchen table that says “Thanks for last night! I had a great time! Love Heather XOXOXO!” (Side note, before I left that person’s place, when he wasn’t looking I picked up a pen and wrote under it “I did too! XOOXXO! Malingering.” I wonder why he didn’t call me again.)

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