Malingering’s World

My beloved Canon PowerShot SD 700IS is in the shop right now after it started making really weird noises and the switch to toggle between functions broke. So I am stuck using the ever evil Olympus, which some of you may remember was defective and took three attempts and several angry complaining emails to get a replacement. This weekend in Vegas I was stuck with the Olympus Stylus 710 which blows.

Look at this photo of the two pimps. You can’t even see his teeth clearly enough to see that his initials are on his teeth in gold caps. WTF. A perfect photo, ruined by a shit camera.

This is a Scottish guy who asked for his drink straight and got it on the rocks. So he decided to stick his hand in and pull all of the ice out and throw it on the casino floor. But the camera did not capture the moment, did it? No. It was almost as if the camera was drunk and couldn’t handle Vegas.

Fucking Olympus.

it is dramatic AND in all caps. The woman is clearly very upset about what happened, and I love that she wants to send it back. I am considering hitting reply and saying “yes, please send it back. Book rate is fine.”

HI RICK,

NORA

AMRAP 20min
9 push press 75#
15 push ups (chest to floor)
12 p-bar dips (unassisted)

4 rounds

My arms were numb after this. I went to fatigue about 30 times and was barely managing 3 push-ups at a time. Wow.

Do not challenge 21 year old Air Force boy to a push-up contest on the Strip. You will lose.

But it will still be funny.

Yes, I have found all of these things in the apartments of guys I’ve dated over the years. Usually on the first or second date, though there were a few that I found months into the relationship, which was even more disturbing.

Your herpes medication in the medicine cabinet (okay, maybe I’m glad I found that in time)

A box of tampons under your sink (and you live alone and have no sisters)

The photo of you and your ex-girlfriend on the fridge with the “well, we’re still friends” explanation following shortly thereafter

A women’s gold necklace and ring on the nightstand (“Oh, that belongs to a friend.” Yes, clearly. A lady friend. Who was in your bed. Recently. Do I look stupid?)

Some random black thong which you claim was stuck in your laundry from the laundromat (why not a tube sock? Why a thong?)

Long girl hairs on your bathroom counter/floor and worse, your pillow

Used condoms (tied neatly at the top to save those precious juices inside) shoved under the bed (get a fucking trash can, moron, that was so gross I wanted to throw up)

Old crusty kleenex hardened and wadded up in your bed (seriously, dudes. It’s called a TRASH CAN.)

A fluorescent pink dildo in your medicine cabinet (he said “it was here when I moved in!” Um, either own up to it or throw it out. I have nothing against you being a little kinky, but pretending it’s not yours is weird.)

A framed photo of you, your girlfriend and your dog (I mean, if you’re going to cheat, take that shit down off the wall for a few hours, creep)

A note on your kitchen table that says “Thanks for last night! I had a great time! Love Heather XOXOXO!” (Side note, before I left that person’s place, when he wasn’t looking I picked up a pen and wrote under it “I did too! XOOXXO! Malingering.” I wonder why he didn’t call me again.)

5×5 deadlifts
95/115/135/165/175#

Sometimes I read Alyssa Milano’s blog to make sure I’m up to date. And I came across this quote about how she fucks MLB pitchers:

“My social life doesn’t consist of going to clubs like some of my peers. You won’t find me at Hyde or whatever club some of my contemporaries find fashionable at the moment for their social butterfly lifestyles. My social life consists of going to games and through that, I have met a few really great men.”

That’s funny, Alyssa. I go to games too. A hell of a lot more than you do (in fact I’ve only seen her there maybe 4 times this season). And I haven’t fucked any pitchers. I haven’t even fucked any position players. Not even minor leaguers. I haven’t even met anyone in the stands and gone out on a date with them. But oh no, you’re right, it’s just circumstance and proximity that leads you to bang ballplayers. Because you’re just like the rest of us, right?

(Please please please may the “I know Alyssa and she’s a really nice person” guy come back to comment. Please.)

50 box jumps (20″ box)
45 pull ups
40 thrusters (25# dumbbells)
35 k-bell swings (16kg)
30 planche push-ups
25 double unders
20 front squats (72#)
15 burpees
10 Turkish get ups (25# dumbbell)
5 muscle ups (green mini band)

24:59

My sister just filled out an eHarmony questionnaire and was rejected, so she challenged me to do it. So I’ve been up for the last hour checking boxes that say I prefer a guy who “wipes his own ass” and “has personality” and “isn’t homeless” and “graduated from high school.” I’ve also had to check boxes about myself, though I couldn’t find a single one that said “smart-ass” or “sarcastic bitch” or “hates Ugg boots.” And in the end, it gave me like 3 people in a 50 mile radius of Los Angeles. Seriously? There are only THREE PEOPLE out of ten million that fit these requirements? Dear Lord it’s time to get another cat and turn into a cat lady if a freaking robot can’t find me a date.

However, the best part is that I posted the above photo as one of my 6 profile photos and it was rejected with the line “the photo must be right side up.” Fucking morons.

In the end, I did NOT sign up for this service, it’s expensive and weird and creeps me out a little bit. I know all of the people in the commercials are happier than I am, but fuck ‘em. I just got an email saying “there are 240 eHarmony members getting married each day!” and that I should try harder. And as I sit here and wonder how many of those members went to the site because they were truly desperate to get married and are now realizing the err in their hastiness to invent something that wasn’t really there, I’ve decided I have no desire to be a part of this right now. Being single is fine.

Okay, this was terrible. I felt terrible when I woke up (had that puke-y sort of it’s-too-early-I-want-to-stay-in-bed) and felt even worse when I worked out. Sigh.

Here’s some notes from the workout.

100 squats
Today some of us tried squatting down to the hooverball instead of the medicine ball. Yeah, that was really really low. But since I have short legs I figured I had no excuse, since the medicine ball probably sucks that much for tall people. And yes, it fucking sucked.
6 rope climbs from sit
Somehow starting from a sit completely erased my ability to anchor the rope with my feet. COMPLETELY. Twice I only made it halfway up the rope because I had no grip with my feet, and 3 of the times I actually did make it up, I was pulling entirely with my arms and only using my feet to prevent myself from sliding back down. This was so mentally and physically exhausting that I was completely discouraged for the rest of the workout. Not to mention the person I was paired with moved on to the next exercise because I was taking so fucking long, so I lost my workout partner, who usually keeps me going.
30 power cleans 62#
Even though cleans are usually my nemesis, by the time I got to 10 I actually got into a rhythm and I think this was the best part of the workout.
30 burpees
I did these from the toes and made sure to leave a chest sweat spot on the ground with each one. Gross.
30 wall ball #14
The orange 14# medicine ball is lopsided. Really lopsided. And when you have shit form and can’t get it up to the X anyway, this doesn’t help. But at least I did 14#. After about 10, I got my hands on the newer #14 medicine ball, and this was better. I suck at wall ball. You have a serious disadvantage when you’re short trying to chuck a 14# ball up to a 10 foot mark. I usually can’t get it that high.
30 box jumps 20″ box
Whatever, at this point I just didn’t want to eat it.
30 kettlebell swings 16kg
Sets of 10. I can’t remember anything about this other than everyone was pretty much done and I wanted to cry.
30 weighted situps 15# dumbbell
Since pretty much everyone was on the run at this point, I grabbed the lightest dumbbell I could find just to get it over with. Blah.
800m run
So glad to be done.

29:22