Malingering’s World

In this time of economic hardships, I am here for the people. One of the world’s most pressing issues: mascara.

Should one spend $30 on expensive brand name mascara? Is the $6 drug store stuff just as good? How will my lashes be lush enough to survive this recession?

This began because I (for some odd reason) sometimes zone out to America’s Next Top Model Obsessed marathons on the Oxygen network when I am so tired from work that I can’t get off the couch to find the remote. There are mascara ads at every commercial break for Cover Girl and the eyelashes on those people look freaking amazing. So I went and bought the mascara and was somewhat disappointed as my lashes did not grow by a factor of 9 as promised. I figure this is because of my Asian heritage as I am rather sparse in the eye lask department.

Given my obsessive nature and also the lack of good documentation of mascara comparisons, I decided to pursue comparing as many mascaras as possible. I risked pink eye by borrowing these from friends and family. (I know that my eyebrows need grooming so don’t bother mentioning it. Also to the reader who just wrote to me saying that I made this blog because I am so ugly that I need a way to deal with it, I’ll have to let you know that comments about my appearance do not bother me in the least and you’ll have to try harder than that to upset me. Sorry.)

Too Faced Lash Injector………Estee Lauder Projectionist

Maybelline XXL extensions…………………….Sasa

Cover Girl Lash Blast Luxe……..Loreal Double Extend

Revlon Lash Fantasy……………..The Balm Two Timer

Dior Blackout………………..Maybelline Colossal Volume x9

Estee Lauder Sumptuous…………….Maybelline Lash Stylist

Well, I know which ones I liked the best, but I won’t say anything to bias anyone. I really prefer my lashes not clump together into a total of 5 eye lashes, and I also don’t like it to look like I have spider legs poking from my eye lids. FYI: the ones that stayed on the best while working out were Maybelline Lash Stylist and Loreal Double Extend.

I’m going to start some sort of Cash for Clumpers mascara program. Why should the bailout be limited to cars?

Sometimes if you don’t feed your crotch, it gets hungry and just eats whatever’s nearby. Like your shorts. Or perhaps small children. Keep those cootchies nourished, people.

The only kind of cleavage I will ever have.

It’s not like I sit there and wait for her to show me her asscheeks.

It just happens. Ain’t nothin’ I can do about it.

Okay, so CA’s budget is fucked. I personally don’t see what the problem is. I have a number of recommendations which will save all of us, but most importantly, improve MY quality of life.

Tax breast implants.

The tax will be proportional to the size of the implants, as well as how skanky they are. I will gladly host the website which will allow for voting on the percentage each implant should be taxed. This is a democracy after all.

Tax french fries.

None of us need french fries. But some of us can’t resist them. The scent of fried potato in the In-N-Out drive thru is intoxicating. I think the one thing that may make me think twice about eating them is a 50% french fry tax. I don’t think this will put anyone out of business, really, so it’s win-win. Either I stop eating so many french fries (win for me) or I can’t hold back (win for the state).

Tax tattoo parlors.

Think about it. How much do you think all of that ink costs? Add another 10% on there and maybe the 18 year old college whores would rethink their tramp stamp another month.

Tax soda.

My guess is soda ends up costing more in health care costs than anything else we consume. It makes our kids fat. It detracts from the amount of water we drink. It gums up our insides with high fructose corn syrup. It results in plastic bottles left all over the place. People know this but they drink it anyway. So anyway, I’d tax it.

Tax tanning salons.

There needs to be some sort of “I’m so lame I’d lay in a cancer bed for 15 minutes for no other purpose than to get cancer and be a superficial ass” tax.

American Girl Doll tax.

First off, these people are spending $60 on doll clothes, they certainly can help bail out the poor, homeless, and mentally ill. Second, what’s more American than paying taxes?

Ticket bad parking.

Nothing’s going to make you pay more attention to the lines than a $50 ticket on your window that says “you park like a fucking idiot.” Parking spot wasted, but tax dollars gained. There’s no excuse for bad parking. There are fewer excuses for bad parking than there are for speeding, talking on your phone while driving, and parking during street cleaning time, and they give out plenty of tickets for that. Why not a “park between the lines, dumbfuck” violation?

This is a game we call “count the cosmetic procedures.” It’s very popular amongst us not-so-pretty people in LA. And it’s because we’re soooooooooo jealous.

What is she doing at a Dodger game, anyway?

I was told that HDTV channels broadcast in 16:9. So I set my TV and satellite to 16:9. It puts about 100 pounds on Broxton that he really doesn’t need.

So then I set my TV at 4:3, and he looks normal. But that doesn’t make sense, if all HD is broadcast in 16:9.

The whole thing is reversed with other channels. AUGH. Stupid technology.

Someone help me.

File under “crotchwatch” I guess?

From PetCo Park in San Diego, July 3, 2009. Yeah, I forgot to post them earlier. Whatever. This is why I will never be able to have a blogging career. I’m too slow and lazy.

Anyway, onto Manny’s first game back.

Andre Ethier at BP.

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Matt Kemp.

Russell Martin tries to catch a fly out.

Manny came back but didn’t get a hit.

Loney and Martin collide. Vin blamed Loney.