Malingering’s World

I really hope these are coming into fashion. It’s like MC Hammer but capri style, which is totally more awesome. And then we can show off our ankle-bandage sandals, which are good for support and bedazzling. HOPE AND CHANGE PEOPLE. Bring it.

I think it’s nice that people don’t make dogs walk anymore.

Though honestly, I wish I didn’t have to walk anymore. Like in WallE. I don’t see why dogs get it better than us.

I also think they should have to wear diapers, so they don’t have to dirty their paws when they need to pee. Maybe I will wear diapers too, so I don’t have to walk to the bathroom.

Anyway, point is, I wish I were a dog.

There are a few things I don’t understand.

First is all of these “whoopsy, I’m pregnant by my ex-boyfriend who I just talked shit about on reality TV for the last 5 episodes” bullshit. Really, if you’re going to be a tramp (and especially if you’re going to be a tramp on TV), why don’t you use a damn condom? I wish there were more covers of magazines that said THE KARDASHIAN’S LATEST ROUND OF STDs or something a little less glamorous than “baby bump.”

Second, why are we so fascinated with these random bitches who happened to get reality TV shows? Kendra, the Kardashians, Nicole Ritchie… did any one of them do anything to merit America worrying about what’s going on inside their uteri besides pose naked in Playboy and wear really slutty clothes? Why is this so captivating?

But the real question is, when am I going to get over this cold so I can go back to work and stop watching re-runs of reality shows on E??? AUGH.

I don’t know what the girl equivalent to this would be. It’s so far beyond camel toe, cleavage, asscrack or muffin top, plus it took effort to arrive at this look. I’m sure those elephant dick swimsuits aren’t being sold at your local Target; they probably have sizing as specific as bra cups or jeans with length and circumference denoted on the tag. Similar to bra cups, one would hope for a reasonable amount of support as well as stability. You don’t want to just go whacking that thing on passersby, right? This is a whole new genre to think about here. Feel free to thank me, your fashion forward correspondent.

revisited

There is no better time to get a little color on your stretch marks than while having Sunday brunch with your friends in Los Feliz. Plus, if you go into labor there’s sure to be an obstetrician amongst the 100 other people sitting around enjoying brunch on the patio, and they probably won’t ask for insurance verification.

Divided we fall.

I have been sad as of late. The Dodgers playoff games keep getting scheduled in the middle of the day. Game 2 of the NLCS was scheduled for 1:30pm on a weekday. Game 2 of the NLDS was at 3pm on a weekday. This is getting stupid.

Now I understand we’re playing an east coast team. I also understand that people need to make money and there are TV ratings and advertising executives to please and all that. But give me a fucking break. Dodger fans are loyal, devoted people. Though we take a lot of shit about getting to games late and leaving early and whatever generalizations are made, there are some of us who do go to 40 games a year and really, really want to be at the playoffs. And it’s getting to be difficult.

It’s clear they don’t expect anyone to be watching the Dodgers-Phillies anyway. No one in LA can watch it at 1pm during work, and even on the east coast, how many people are home from work by 4pm to flip on the game. My guess is that if you started the Yankees at 5:30pm EST and the Phillies at 8:30pm EST, you’d have a larger audience than putting it right in the middle of the Friday work day at 1:30pm PST. I’m no TV executive, but I am a person who has a job and common sense.

So now I’m forced to choose every time the Dodgers play another game: skip work, or skip the game? I can’t imagine that any patient would be happy to know that their doctor skipped out on their appointment to go to a baseball game. Usually people consider their doctors’ appointments to be relatively important, and I feel I should do the same. But then of course, I am stuck in the office while the game is going on, and every pitch that I miss pains me just a little bit more. And I’m not the only one. There are a lot of people out there who are afraid to take off of work because jobs are relatively unstable right now and everyone’s afraid of pissing off the wrong person and getting laid off. So we are conscientious and work hard, and therefore can’t watch baseball.

Please, MLB. Stop putting working America in this position. We’re trying to be good people here. Let us have our baseball.

The Dodgers rallied to come from behind in the bottom of the 9th with two outs after Matt holliday dropped what would have been the 3rd out. It was a glorious moment. One of the best games I’ve been at.

I know I’m behind in the blogging. Sorry, but it’s the postseason! GO DODGERS GO.