Malingering’s World

(I just found this post. Apparently I never clicked “publish.” It was supposed to be published December 12, 2007. Whatever. Get over it.)

Well well. Mattel has finally stepped up to the “isn’t it ironic that American Girl is made in China and there’s no Chinese American Girl” challenge by developing Ivy Ling, sidekick to (white) American Girl Hippie Julie of 1974 San Francisco.

Unlike the other American Girls who have entire 12 book series devoted to them, Ivy has one measly book written about her, which my friend graciously purchased for me. It turns out Ivy was born in Northern California, is Cantonese, and also a gymnast. Oddly enough, these three things also apply to myself, so I am excited at the prospect of learning about someone “just like me!” (Actually, there is a 4 page summary of the history of Chinese in the United States as well as the prejudices they experience which is actually decent considering the source, so I won’t complain much about this book).

What I will complain about is that the other American Girl Historical Characters of color all get their own story. Addy the freed slave has 13 books in her honor, Kaya the Native American Girl not only has her own horses but also her own American Girl dogsled, and Josefina Montoya, the token Latina doll (she was in New Mexico in 1824, though the New Mexico territory belonged to Mexico until 1836 and didn’t become New Mexico the state until 1912, but never question the historic value of these books) has her own weaving loom and goat. So then I click over to poor Chinky Ivy, whose relatives are currently working in sweatshops to replicate her as quickly as possible, and the poor girl gets ONE thing, this shitty denim bag and a Chinese coin replica.

Here’s the American Girl Sorority House “I wonder who I’m going to wake up next to tomorrow morning” alcoholic-in-training package.

In general, the store is completely packed, to the point that you can hardly walk. Oh, except for this part.

Yeah, that’s where they sell the books. Because that’s the real reason everyone loves these dolls, right? Because of the educational factor?

They’re going to have to start making bigger bags, or just start using those big hammocks that they use to transport whales from Sea World to Marineland.

“Mummy, I want an American Girl NOW!”

Whatever Veruca Salt.

Can I just say WTF? I mean, any American Girl should have a purebreed show dog, why would you want to neuter it?

Anyway, now it’s 3 years later, perhaps my passion for this topic has cooled a bit. Then again, some of my friends are having daughters, and I am going to disown any of them who purchases one of these spoiled pieces of crap for their offspring. That’s a warning to you.

Okay, so CA’s budget is fucked. I personally don’t see what the problem is. I have a number of recommendations which will save all of us, but most importantly, improve MY quality of life.

Tax breast implants.

The tax will be proportional to the size of the implants, as well as how skanky they are. I will gladly host the website which will allow for voting on the percentage each implant should be taxed. This is a democracy after all.

Tax french fries.

None of us need french fries. But some of us can’t resist them. The scent of fried potato in the In-N-Out drive thru is intoxicating. I think the one thing that may make me think twice about eating them is a 50% french fry tax. I don’t think this will put anyone out of business, really, so it’s win-win. Either I stop eating so many french fries (win for me) or I can’t hold back (win for the state).

Tax tattoo parlors.

Think about it. How much do you think all of that ink costs? Add another 10% on there and maybe the 18 year old college whores would rethink their tramp stamp another month.

Tax soda.

My guess is soda ends up costing more in health care costs than anything else we consume. It makes our kids fat. It detracts from the amount of water we drink. It gums up our insides with high fructose corn syrup. It results in plastic bottles left all over the place. People know this but they drink it anyway. So anyway, I’d tax it.

Tax tanning salons.

There needs to be some sort of “I’m so lame I’d lay in a cancer bed for 15 minutes for no other purpose than to get cancer and be a superficial ass” tax.

American Girl Doll tax.

First off, these people are spending $60 on doll clothes, they certainly can help bail out the poor, homeless, and mentally ill. Second, what’s more American than paying taxes?

Ticket bad parking.

Nothing’s going to make you pay more attention to the lines than a $50 ticket on your window that says “you park like a fucking idiot.” Parking spot wasted, but tax dollars gained. There’s no excuse for bad parking. There are fewer excuses for bad parking than there are for speeding, talking on your phone while driving, and parking during street cleaning time, and they give out plenty of tickets for that. Why not a “park between the lines, dumbfuck” violation?

My cousin works in the health profession and was talking to a patient who was talking about American Girl Dolls. My cousin (who feels similarly to myself about the phenomenon) said “did you know there’s an American Girl Doll store at the Grove?” and the patient said “Yes! And one time, I was at the store and there was this GIRL there with a TROLL doll and she was standing in line for the CAFE. She wasn’t in line for the cafe, but she made the TROLL wait in line. We wanted to say something, or at least tell the staff, but we were so embarrassed for her, we felt so bad for her.”

Needless to say, that troll carrying blaspheme was me. My cousin had to leave the room because she was laughing so hard. She said she almost cried.

My stomach is sore from giggling.

So why are you, a grown woman, carrying an American Girl Doll around with you all day at Disneyland when there are no children in your party? I’m just asking.

Okay, I get it now. The whole world exists as to conspire against me. This is all an evil plan and I am the center of the whole thing. Everything is around me is here just to piss me off. Seriously. I have proof. First I complain about Uggs and American Girl dolls and what do you know, not only is the American Girl doll flourishing, but now she has her own pair of Uggs.

Are you kidding me? Now the dolls also need to have little dead sheep on their feet to encourage 7 year olds to do the same? I feel like Mattel is peering over my shoulder and any day now they’re going to release American Girl asswriting and belly button rings and then they will rub their hands together in Mr. Burns fashion and watch me from their hidden cameras which they must have planted around my apartment to allow them to revel in my suffering. I’m on to you!

It’s not just Mattel, it has recently become clear that Victoria’s Secret is out to get me too. It’s evident that they read the white pants rant and PINK asswriting rant because what do you know:

What the fuck, people? Why do you hate me so much?

Bebe didn’t want to feel left out, and to make things super duper special they made it sparkly and shiny. But it’s not super super enough to be high quality, so that every time you wear them one or two rhinestones falls off until you have a connect-the-dots game on your ass which is complicated only by the visible ripples of cellulite squished into your over-stretched white pants.

New rule: if your clothes have lost more than 6 pieces which were present in the initial purchase, throw them in the garbage.

I have been accused of being a pedophile more than once, mostly because I can’t stand seeing kids dressed as mini-adults. It seems now even the pre-schoolers are out to piss me off.

Come on, Baby Phat. Four year old booty is not large enough to be a walking billboard. Just leave the kids the fuck alone so you can face yourself each morning.

I then moved on to my hatred for asscracks at the ballgame. Every time the wave comes around you’re faced with another crevasse. A belt or maybe some well fitting jeans could have prevented that, but this sort of logic is obviously not taught at Pink University who clearly caught wind of last year’s post.

A two-for-one. How special. She’s clearly in on the plot.

Victoria, seriously. ENOUGH. Now we’ve got three different colors, and none of them are pink?

Moving on. I feel this is sufficient evidence to recognize them as the enemy.

Okay, so then I wrote about crazy muscle people and dressing up at ballgames and what do you know, the muscle people started stalking me at ballgames in high heels!

Clearly the only viable explanation is that all of Los Angeles is being controlled by electromagnetic radiation sent from a supreme commander of the FBI and everyone is conspiring to drive me insane which may force me to go into hiding for a while or at least make myself a tin foil hat.

And I’m no fool. I know you’re in on it too.

These are the prices for the American Girl hair salon at American Girl Place.

While it may be “fun” to watch your $86 doll be pampered in a doll sized chair with a doll sized comb and a doll sized water bottle (a facial can be added on for only $5!), I’m feeling rather certain that the 8 year olds who are indulging in this luxury do not have this much disposable income. Which leads me to believe that there are parents (and not just a few) who are out there spoiling their little girls by teaching them it is okay to spend $15 to have someone else put a ribbon in your pretty princess’s hair, which translates to: It is more special to have other people do things that you could otherwise do for yourself and that’s okay because money actually does grow on trees and lands in Mommy’s purse and that’s why consumerism brings happiness.

And I wondered where MTV found all of those people to be on “My Super Sweet Sixteen.” Silly me.

Now that American Girl Dolls have taken over the Westside, my guess is that every girl in 3rd grade who does not have a birthday party at American Girl Place will be ostricized by her classmates. Parents, do your girl a favor and give her the party! It’s only $60 per kid to have a 90 minute birthday party, $60 x her 8 closest friends is under $500. (Or you could spend the entire day at Disneyland for the same price. You know, whatever the kid wants.)

*note that to have a “hair salon spectacular” at your 90 minute party there is an additional fee, so don’t forget to budget that in

 

Good thing they have an American Girl class on how to make money. It only costs $24 per person, which I suppose means that anyone idiotic enough to pay for the class really does need it. Talk about selection bias.

For the love of god, a $90 deserves better than this! She’s being toted around like a mere piece of merchandise! I am hoping they will soon develop a Department of American Girl Protective Services (DAGPS) to monitor these injustices and force these kids into a parenting class (for the cost of $29/hour).

Shit, you know, when I was a kid I was happy with a burger and fries. A McDonald’s Happy Meal was treat enough to get us through the month, and if we were extra good we could get a hot fudge sundae with nuts on top. Check this out: The dolls get salad nicoise. Can the kid even SAY “nicoise”? And tell me, what 8 year old kid likes portabello salad and artichoke dip? However I must admit that $22 seems reasonable, given $15 cost of having someone put a ribbon in the doll’s hair (gratuity not included).

Okay, okay, I know. I’m a rude bitch. Perhaps I need the American Girl manners class. I’m hoping for $90 a person they will teach me that it’s rude for an American Girl to want to have a career or be independent, and that proper manners include not thinking for oneself, falling victim to out of control marketing schemes, and pressuring others to spend money so that you can have anything you like. I also hope they eliminate that pesky imagination that kids have, and hopefully naturalize them into the submissive position of proper womanhood.

And for the girl who wants to do it on her own, she can pay $27 (per person) to learn from an American Doll Stylist how to put your doll’s hair in a ponytail. Please note that it is a 4 part class, and $27 for EACH PART. Part include “5 minute hair dos” for when your doll is really in a rush to get to the mall and just doesn’t have time for the braids, and “fancy up-dos” for when your doll is invited to a formal event or wedding (which won’t happen, since there are no male dolls for them to marry).

Until then, the world simply is not complete.

I believe American Girl dolls are all implanted with some sort of chip which allows alien life forms to survey us in the privacy of our own homes, thus giving them information about our lifestyles and vulnerabilities. American Girl dolls are going to destroy the universe.

P.S. Some people become very angry when I take photos of children. I am still trying to figure out why. I understand it is the knee-jerk reaction, but where is the anger coming from? Is it that their image is to be considered sacred? Is it that they fear pedophiles will log onto the internet and get joy out of it (there are no other photos of children online besides my own, mind you)? Do they feel I am stealing a piece of their innocent child’s soul? Is it because they are not old enough to sue me for damages? Are they afraid their baby daddies will discover their true location and come kidnap their child? Are the kids part of a witness protection program? Or is it simply that children should be exempt from the evil world I have created by documenting the world around me?

Any and all input will be appreciated.

I sacrificed a good 30 minutes of my life investigating this new trend of people carrying around creepy dolls at the Grove because I found it to be disturbing and weird (especially these 45 year old women in mom jeans carrying the things by the hand). I could not have predicted what I was about to discover.

Here I present my data in the form of a photoset. The most important thing to know is that if you buy a doll you can pay someone to do its hair and take it to the hospital when it gets sick.You don’t actually have to imagine anything at all because you can pay people to imagine for you.

Oh and each doll costs $87 and the average cost of the doll’s clothing runs around $25 for one outfit.