Malingering’s World

This girl had run out of face appendages to pierce, so she decided to pierce her belly fat. Perhaps this is a market that needs to be explored: pierced muffin tops.

Okay people, I apologize for not posting. I have been moving, and the packing/unpacking/painting/Ikea building has been more time consuming than I thought. As soon as I’m done pretending to be a grown up, I’ll be back.

P.S. My new contact info is therealmalingering at gmail dot com.

I know. This is extremely overwhelming and you have no idea where to start. I had the same problem. We’ll just take it step by step from the top down and hopefully some people will learn from this.

1) The Strap Perfect is not an accessory. It was designed to help HIDE your bra straps. It was not designed to make your swimsuit into a sausage casing. Here is a quote from the website:

Now you can stop wrestling with stubborn bra straps And give your cleavage a firm, youthful lift thanks to Strap Perfectâ„¢: the ultimate bra strap solution/concealer! You’ll never risk another fashion faux pas with any bra again with Strap Perfectâ„¢!

Um. WRONG. Clearly there was a lot of wrestling going on here. The cleavage is not firm or youthful. This is not a solution to anything. And yes, a faux pas with a bra was risked here. Otherwise I wouldn’t be talking about it right now.

2) Why the fuck is there a cherub dry humping a moon on her shoulder?

3) The tittie overflow is so terrible it doesn’t even qualify as quad-boob. It’s more like a boob-splosion or a tidal wave of tittieflab. Firm and youthful it is not.

4) Her tit-tat has been completely distorted into a wilted rose gone past its prime. The irony.

5) Okay, I don’t have breasts so maybe I don’t understand, but I don’t understand the concept of wearing a swimsuit with a bra. Last I heard, bras are not good in the ocean so clearly she’s not going to swim. The bra also completely fucks up the possibility of a good back tan, so that’s out. So why, then, if the bra-swimsuit combination causes so many problems, would you go to the trouble to create it?

6) A WHITE bra? Really? They don’t come in black? You put on a Strap Perfect to hide a white bra under a black swimsuit?

7) Okay I admit. Getting the hip-flab to mirror the tit-flab is a really nice touch. I will totally give her that. Totally. Well played, lady.

Happy 3 year blogiversary to me! For something special, here are my photos of Engrish from China.

Please remember that I am not a princess, as I am both extremely ugly and exceedingly smart.

No scratch.

I am also Having Generous Vision, I Eading the World to a society of hate and disdain. Watch as I bring you all down with me.

Cause leap and Dart forth into the land of implants and asscracks. Who knows, you may just get stuck in there.

SUPERBLOGMOSTAMAZINGSITEPLEASECLICKHERENOW.

Fancy designer sell here expensive panties for sticking out over jeans to show nice brand name.

How very appealing.

(Note this is in the size for a 6 year old boy)
I don’t know many people with a size 36 pussy, so I completely understand the request. Don’t you want to see it?

Fortunately for Los Angeles, Labor Day has come and gone but summer fashion remains. Stay cool in a great backless halter top with matching red jeans. Nothing says HOT the way red does!

This is the sort of dedication I expect from people. Not just some half-assed “maybe I’ll pick a print or a color and add a little flair,” or a few pathetic words of asswriting. That just won’t cut it anymore. It’s time for balls-out, over the top, inundation of complete obnoxiousness. Thank you, plaid woman, for showing us what real commitment is.

That children as young as 8 or 9 are experiencing the magic of love. We used to think their minds and hearts to immature to engage in such passionate, abstract ideas, but this girl proves us wrong. At the ripe old age of 9-ish, she is skipping and frolicking in a sea of giddiness, overcome with infatuation and joy. Love spares not the young, as we all fall victim to its addictive ways.

Hopefully in this case, “love” does not equal “fellate.”

Okay, so CA’s budget is fucked. I personally don’t see what the problem is. I have a number of recommendations which will save all of us, but most importantly, improve MY quality of life.

Tax breast implants.

The tax will be proportional to the size of the implants, as well as how skanky they are. I will gladly host the website which will allow for voting on the percentage each implant should be taxed. This is a democracy after all.

Tax french fries.

None of us need french fries. But some of us can’t resist them. The scent of fried potato in the In-N-Out drive thru is intoxicating. I think the one thing that may make me think twice about eating them is a 50% french fry tax. I don’t think this will put anyone out of business, really, so it’s win-win. Either I stop eating so many french fries (win for me) or I can’t hold back (win for the state).

Tax tattoo parlors.

Think about it. How much do you think all of that ink costs? Add another 10% on there and maybe the 18 year old college whores would rethink their tramp stamp another month.

Tax soda.

My guess is soda ends up costing more in health care costs than anything else we consume. It makes our kids fat. It detracts from the amount of water we drink. It gums up our insides with high fructose corn syrup. It results in plastic bottles left all over the place. People know this but they drink it anyway. So anyway, I’d tax it.

Tax tanning salons.

There needs to be some sort of “I’m so lame I’d lay in a cancer bed for 15 minutes for no other purpose than to get cancer and be a superficial ass” tax.

American Girl Doll tax.

First off, these people are spending $60 on doll clothes, they certainly can help bail out the poor, homeless, and mentally ill. Second, what’s more American than paying taxes?

Ticket bad parking.

Nothing’s going to make you pay more attention to the lines than a $50 ticket on your window that says “you park like a fucking idiot.” Parking spot wasted, but tax dollars gained. There’s no excuse for bad parking. There are fewer excuses for bad parking than there are for speeding, talking on your phone while driving, and parking during street cleaning time, and they give out plenty of tickets for that. Why not a “park between the lines, dumbfuck” violation?

Couldn’t she feel it? It was cold out!