Malingering’s World

so now I’m wondering if this counts. Does anyone know? Can you get Taco Bell if you’re in a wheelchair? What if it’s motorized?

I’m not being an asshole, this is an honest question.

Divided we fall.

But that doesn’t completely absolve you of the responsibility to put at least one part of your car in close proximity to one part of the curb. I won’t even be specific on which part, that’s up to you (liberals love giving choices). But next time, try to avoid just stopping in the middle of the street, shutting off your car, and then going up to your apartment with a shrug of “I can’t help it, the curb shape is irregular!” Lazy does not make the world go ’round, people.

Okay, so CA’s budget is fucked. I personally don’t see what the problem is. I have a number of recommendations which will save all of us, but most importantly, improve MY quality of life.

Tax breast implants.

The tax will be proportional to the size of the implants, as well as how skanky they are. I will gladly host the website which will allow for voting on the percentage each implant should be taxed. This is a democracy after all.

Tax french fries.

None of us need french fries. But some of us can’t resist them. The scent of fried potato in the In-N-Out drive thru is intoxicating. I think the one thing that may make me think twice about eating them is a 50% french fry tax. I don’t think this will put anyone out of business, really, so it’s win-win. Either I stop eating so many french fries (win for me) or I can’t hold back (win for the state).

Tax tattoo parlors.

Think about it. How much do you think all of that ink costs? Add another 10% on there and maybe the 18 year old college whores would rethink their tramp stamp another month.

Tax soda.

My guess is soda ends up costing more in health care costs than anything else we consume. It makes our kids fat. It detracts from the amount of water we drink. It gums up our insides with high fructose corn syrup. It results in plastic bottles left all over the place. People know this but they drink it anyway. So anyway, I’d tax it.

Tax tanning salons.

There needs to be some sort of “I’m so lame I’d lay in a cancer bed for 15 minutes for no other purpose than to get cancer and be a superficial ass” tax.

American Girl Doll tax.

First off, these people are spending $60 on doll clothes, they certainly can help bail out the poor, homeless, and mentally ill. Second, what’s more American than paying taxes?

Ticket bad parking.

Nothing’s going to make you pay more attention to the lines than a $50 ticket on your window that says “you park like a fucking idiot.” Parking spot wasted, but tax dollars gained. There’s no excuse for bad parking. There are fewer excuses for bad parking than there are for speeding, talking on your phone while driving, and parking during street cleaning time, and they give out plenty of tickets for that. Why not a “park between the lines, dumbfuck” violation?

This is why I love people.

Sweet.

I’m not really sure. I guess it’s like loving your partner despite the fact that they have terrible smelling gas and never refill the Brita and leave toe nail clippings on the couch. You just sort of suck it up.

So I follow the arrow, but I can’t enter? Where exactly should I stop?

But I’m no engineer.

But now you’re blocking the intersection. So why don’t you back up? Why do you sit there like a damn idiot?