Malingering’s World

And you especially had a spotter for little kids, because they would just jump off the beam or let go of the bars without any notice or warning.

Anyway, it’s worth it for the photo, right?

I have posted this for Caroline who was recently pondering the issue of babies in bars. For her I post this, as one new mother has found a solution since clearly she is too lame to just take her baby to MacArthur park to get a fake ID. People tie up their dogs outside of restaurants all the time, so it’s not much of a stretch to tie up your baby. Put out a bowl of breastmilk and you’re free to enjoy your beer!

Since their feet grow so slowly.

There is no better time to get a little color on your stretch marks than while having Sunday brunch with your friends in Los Feliz. Plus, if you go into labor there’s sure to be an obstetrician amongst the 100 other people sitting around enjoying brunch on the patio, and they probably won’t ask for insurance verification.

That children as young as 8 or 9 are experiencing the magic of love. We used to think their minds and hearts to immature to engage in such passionate, abstract ideas, but this girl proves us wrong. At the ripe old age of 9-ish, she is skipping and frolicking in a sea of giddiness, overcome with infatuation and joy. Love spares not the young, as we all fall victim to its addictive ways.

Hopefully in this case, “love” does not equal “fellate.”

Okay, so maybe this kid got a specialized work permit and managed to get a job at age 8 so that he can buy any t-shirt he wants, but chances are an adult bought this kid his shirt. While I have no problem with people choosing to smoke marijuana (as long as they aren’t endangering anyone, but rarely have I felt threatened by some stoner brandishing his pipe at me from the comfort of his own couch threatening to splash me with bong water so I feel relatively safe in that regard), I do have a problem with adults allowing their kids to wear clothing that insinuates that their pre-pubescent child is getting stoned or drunk. Now maybe, one could say, the kid just liked the PacMan, but my guess is that if you’re saying that, you grew up in the 1980s so you have some sort of PacMan nostalgia and the images makes you feel happy inside. Don’t forget that this kid was born in a completely different CENTURY that the rest of us and I don’t think they have PacMan for the Xbox360 (though admittedly I haven’t checked) so that doesn’t check out either. Therefore the only reasonable explanation is that this kid is a 6th grade dropout who sits around getting baked with his parents all day, feeding pot to the family dog to watch it freak out when you throw its tennis ball, sitting on the streetcorner offering to get people a “diagnosis” so that their weed is legal, and that, my friends, is not okay.

Fucking kids.

and people asked why the asshole (me) stood there and took a photo rather than saving the child (though at this point I think a Darwin award would have been in order, both for myself and the parent), I’ll show you what happened next:

YAY! Someone came to save the baby!

He just wasn’t strong enough to lift it.

(And for those of you who are curious, we did mention this unsafe practice to the mother, who gave us a dirty look and then ignored us. No one, and I mean NO ONE, wants to be told anything that insinuates that they are a bad parent. Ever. Try it sometime. I can guarantee you the response.)