Malingering’s World

Did you really have to pick that one?

I don’t think she’s pregnant. It didn’t look like it. I suppose this could be included in the “pregnant or fat” contest. But either way it fits into the “you’re at Wal-Mart, you could have bought a t-shirt to cover that belly for the rollback price of $3.29 category.”

Now I have been collecting photos of Wal-Mart disasters since this very first one in 2002. If only I’d thought to start a blog about it, I would have write ups in the New York Times and TIME magazine. Instead I just have this little blog here. Anyway. I will include some oldies but goodies from 2002 and my 0.07mp camera:

Stopping in for cosmetics and hair dye

Tough guy

Always a favorite of mine

I know. This is extremely overwhelming and you have no idea where to start. I had the same problem. We’ll just take it step by step from the top down and hopefully some people will learn from this.

1) The Strap Perfect is not an accessory. It was designed to help HIDE your bra straps. It was not designed to make your swimsuit into a sausage casing. Here is a quote from the website:

Now you can stop wrestling with stubborn bra straps And give your cleavage a firm, youthful lift thanks to Strap Perfectâ„¢: the ultimate bra strap solution/concealer! You’ll never risk another fashion faux pas with any bra again with Strap Perfectâ„¢!

Um. WRONG. Clearly there was a lot of wrestling going on here. The cleavage is not firm or youthful. This is not a solution to anything. And yes, a faux pas with a bra was risked here. Otherwise I wouldn’t be talking about it right now.

2) Why the fuck is there a cherub dry humping a moon on her shoulder?

3) The tittie overflow is so terrible it doesn’t even qualify as quad-boob. It’s more like a boob-splosion or a tidal wave of tittieflab. Firm and youthful it is not.

4) Her tit-tat has been completely distorted into a wilted rose gone past its prime. The irony.

5) Okay, I don’t have breasts so maybe I don’t understand, but I don’t understand the concept of wearing a swimsuit with a bra. Last I heard, bras are not good in the ocean so clearly she’s not going to swim. The bra also completely fucks up the possibility of a good back tan, so that’s out. So why, then, if the bra-swimsuit combination causes so many problems, would you go to the trouble to create it?

6) A WHITE bra? Really? They don’t come in black? You put on a Strap Perfect to hide a white bra under a black swimsuit?

7) Okay I admit. Getting the hip-flab to mirror the tit-flab is a really nice touch. I will totally give her that. Totally. Well played, lady.

But I don’t show anyone. Also I don’t like getting all of those dents in my flab.

Fortunately for Los Angeles, Labor Day has come and gone but summer fashion remains. Stay cool in a great backless halter top with matching red jeans. Nothing says HOT the way red does!

Yes, I am objectifying. Don’t tell me you’ve never done it.

And then he gave me a muffin top too, I must have been a good girl. Yay for me.

Just to avoid any possibility of this.