I have so many questions! How does she walk around Disneyland in those shoes? How old was she when she got those tattoos? Is that a tranny? What kind of flowers are those? Are they growing out of her cootchie or into it? Does she even have a cootchie?
I should have asked.
Black, brown, red, white, green, yellow, dumb, smart, skinny, fat, tall, short, strong, weak, gay, straight, bisexual – YOU ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL, PEOPLE!
GOD BLESS AMERICA.
I’m not really sure. It may be because my mother would not let me leave the house like this so I was forced into years of uncomfortable thong-wearing to try to avoid this look.
Or maybe I just feel like I’ve seen something I didn’t want to see, and it was kind of against my will because I don’t think I would willingly ask to see some lady’s ass cellulite and its surrounding undergarments.
Or maybe it’s just univerally tacky and I’m not the only one who photographs such fashion mishaps. Come on Glamour magazine, you’re with me here, right?
so now I’m wondering if this counts. Does anyone know? Can you get Taco Bell if you’re in a wheelchair? What if it’s motorized?
I’m not being an asshole, this is an honest question.
This is a letter to all of your homeless people. Please stop being homeless. Try not to be homeless in Santa Monica. First off, you’ll be arrested for sleeping on the street, even though all of the shelter beds are full. Do you really want to be a criminal AND a homeless person? Like being one of those isn’t bad enough? And it’s illegal for charity groups to feed the homeless outdoors, so stop asking for food. We don’t feed people here, it’s not a zoo!
You all do yourselves a favor and stop being homeless, okay? With the budget crisis and Section 8 housing programs frozen since earlier this year and are closed until further notice, I’m sure it’s easy to get yourself off the street. Just go get an apartment! What else are you doing with all of those quarters you collect from people on the freeway ramps?
Plus it’s easy to get a job, that 10% unemployment rate in Los Angeles really only applies to executives and people in marketing and lawyers and stuff. It’s even easier to get a job if you’ve been on the street for the past 2 years and don’t have a place to shower or get clean clothes, because that’s exactly the sort of people that employers are looking for. Why do you think there are all of those questions about life adversity on college applications?
What? You say you have medical problems? Now that they’ve cut Medi-Cal benefits (not that this matters since you have to be pregnant, disabled, blind, have TB or live in a nursing home to qualify for state assisted health insurance), you’ll have to wait 12-24 hours in an emergency room to get refills on your diabetes or blood pressure medication, so you can sleep in the waiting room at night! This will solve two problems. You get your medications AND you have a place to stay. Why didn’t you think of this before? Plus 23.4% of people in Los Angeles County are uninsured, so it’s not like you’re special. You’ll probably be in the majority soon, so that’s totally not a viable excuse.
Just do yourselves a favor and stop being homeless, okay? Because it is bringing down the value of the city, costing us a ton of money, and making us look bad to tourists. Just go clean up and get a job and stupid laying around in the street. Can’t you all go hide in a cave or something? I mean, at least if we can’t see you, we’ll feel better.
In this time of economic hardships, I am here for the people. One of the world’s most pressing issues: mascara.
Should one spend $30 on expensive brand name mascara? Is the $6 drug store stuff just as good? How will my lashes be lush enough to survive this recession?
This began because I (for some odd reason) sometimes zone out to America’s Next Top Model Obsessed marathons on the Oxygen network when I am so tired from work that I can’t get off the couch to find the remote. There are mascara ads at every commercial break for Cover Girl and the eyelashes on those people look freaking amazing. So I went and bought the mascara and was somewhat disappointed as my lashes did not grow by a factor of 9 as promised. I figure this is because of my Asian heritage as I am rather sparse in the eye lask department.
Given my obsessive nature and also the lack of good documentation of mascara comparisons, I decided to pursue comparing as many mascaras as possible. I risked pink eye by borrowing these from friends and family. (I know that my eyebrows need grooming so don’t bother mentioning it. Also to the reader who just wrote to me saying that I made this blog because I am so ugly that I need a way to deal with it, I’ll have to let you know that comments about my appearance do not bother me in the least and you’ll have to try harder than that to upset me. Sorry.)
Too Faced Lash Injector………Estee Lauder Projectionist
Maybelline XXL extensions…………………….Sasa
Cover Girl Lash Blast Luxe……..Loreal Double Extend
Revlon Lash Fantasy……………..The Balm Two Timer
Dior Blackout………………..Maybelline Colossal Volume x9
Estee Lauder Sumptuous…………….Maybelline Lash Stylist
Well, I know which ones I liked the best, but I won’t say anything to bias anyone. I really prefer my lashes not clump together into a total of 5 eye lashes, and I also don’t like it to look like I have spider legs poking from my eye lids. FYI: the ones that stayed on the best while working out were Maybelline Lash Stylist and Loreal Double Extend.
I’m going to start some sort of Cash for Clumpers mascara program. Why should the bailout be limited to cars?
I was told that HDTV channels broadcast in 16:9. So I set my TV and satellite to 16:9. It puts about 100 pounds on Broxton that he really doesn’t need.
So then I set my TV at 4:3, and he looks normal. But that doesn’t make sense, if all HD is broadcast in 16:9.
The whole thing is reversed with other channels. AUGH. Stupid technology.
Someone help me.
Seriously. You can be a burned, leathery, blindfolded bear and walk down the street in your chain link panties and no one bats an eye. I wish every day were pride day. We could stop wearing pants and there would be a lot more dancing.
We had an argument about who this is supposed to be… What does everyone think?
There is a serious lack of foreplay in Los Angeles. Lou Paget spoke at a seminar I attended last week and said that Los Angeles is a very hard place to find a life partner. She said she’s talked to numerous women in their young 30s who are so sick of trying to find a partner that they’re just about ready to sleep with the first thing that crosses their path, which in turn reinforces the male ideal of instant gratification without work or effort and pretty soon it’s a vicious cycle of random meanlingless sex that sees no end.
While I have nothing against random meanless sex, I was thinking about this when I went out on Saturday afternoon to watch the Final Four. I realized that in less than 2 weeks of March Madness, I’d been propositioned by 3 (very attractive) men who made it blatantly clear to me that they wanted sex, nothing more, and they weren’t in the least afraid to say it. They were proud to be sluts, happy to say they stick their dick in lots of chicks without knowing their name, and went on bragging about their man-prowess and their virility. For some reason, hearing about the guy in front of me indiscriminately banging whatever hot pussy happens to slide through the bar doesn’t exactly turn me on. In fact, I start to get sort of itchy and uncomfortable, like when people start talking about lice or scabies and then I start to wonder how much the dude spends on Valtrex each month and if it hurts when he pees.
Now I’ve been off the dating scene for several years and I’m trying to adjust to all of the new advances in technology that have altered the dating game over the past few years. I need some assistance in establishing the hierarchy here. Is a text message more serious than an e-mail? Does an e-mail show a higher level of commitment than a myspace message? If you have to wait one day to return a phone call, how many hours must you wait before answering a Facebook message? If you post a comment on someone’s blog, does that count as contact and then you are forbidden from sending a text until that person responds? For fuck’s sake can someone write a book on this and explain it to me? And can that person be a man so I can hear about all of the moronic and ridiculous nonsense that they consider to be logic and then try to understand it?
Regardless of the impossible game (which I refuse to play, so if you text message me I’m going to write back when I get it, which does not mean I am desperate or throwing myself at you, it means I think your game is fucking lame, and I’m hatin’ the game AND the playa), the harder lesson has been learning that people don’t date anymore. They just want booty, and they aren’t willing to play that game (the “I’m going to pretend to be interested and charm you so I can get into your pants” game) to try to get it. They just want to get in and get out. This is my concern: Any guy who is willing to skip the “let me buy you dinner before I try to bed you” routine is probably going to skip the “let me kiss you and lick you all over before I flip you over to do you doggy style and start ramming you like a porn star in heat” routine as well. Not down with that.
Foreplay is important, in every sense. We all need a little intrigue and mystery in our lives; no one wants to know the ending of the movie before they found out how they got there. It’s the same damn thing with dating. For fuck’s sake, make it interesting!